What Do People Really Want in Romantic Partners?

by guest author, Aaron Agostini

  It’s been considered pretty well established that men and women are looking for different things in romantic partners. Women, we’re told, are looking for the man who is very successful, and men are looking for women who are physically attractive. That’s even what people say that they want when they talk to psychologists. But what if there’s more to it? A new study out by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel sheds some new light on what else might be at work when it comes to relationships. Their results are surprising, showing us that we might not know ourselves as well as we think, let alone how well we might know everyone else.

  The researchers used the current gold mine for psychologists who are studying how men and women connect romantically: speed dating. Singles speed dating events give researchers something that surveys can’t, because speed-dating has real-world consequences. This means psychologists get to see what people would actually do instead of just what they say they would do. What we would expect to see, based on our assumptions, is that women would be most interested in how successful their speed-date mates are, and that men are focused primarily on looks, and the each would “click” the best with someone who had these traits.

  The researchers recruited undergrads from their school to take place in their speed dating study. They started by asking the students what they were looking for in a mate. They found, as expected, women rated potential future earnings the highest, and men physical attractiveness. Then they set up the speed dating. They provided the non-alcoholic drinks, the mood lighting, and let the magic happen! What they were looking for was how attractive, potentially successful, and most importantly, how personable they found their speed-dating partners. If everything matched with what students said about themselves, women would say that men who were had the highest potential were the most personable, and men would find women the most attractive to be the most personable.

  This is not what the students ended up saying at all! Women and men both ended up finding physical attractiveness to be somewhat important, but it was less important for men then they said it would be. Earning potential didn’t turn out to be important at all for either women or men. What was more surprising was that no factor that students said were important ended up being factors in the speed-dates that they liked the most. Physical attractiveness didn’t always determine if the person’s date was considered personable, or if they said there was romantic chemistry.

  The researchers’ recommendations for further research are probably useful to keep in mind, which basically boils down to recognizing that there’s a lot more to romance than meets the eye. Often people hold how they look against themselves, figuring all that there are too many people out there who look better than them. They might even ask people about what they’re looking for in a partner, and hear all about what it is they find physically attractive. In reality, though, physical attractiveness is one of many different factors, even though people aren’t aware of that. We’re all looking for someone who we find personable, and feel chemistry with when we’re around them. And whether it’s good news or bad news, that’s a lot more complicated than finding someone who just looks good, in person or on paper.

Eastwick P. & Finkel, E. (2008). Sex difference in mate preferences revisited: do people know what they initially desire in romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264.