Dating and Relationship Tip for Singles Moving to Being a Couple: Including Your Families

May 11, 2010 / April Braswell / 18 Comments

Now that Mother’s Day has passed, Memorial Day in the United States fast approaches, and Father’s Day is just around the corner.  A question I received recently asked about how should single women treat the mother of their boyfriend on Mother’s Day.  First, this really does vary by ethnic group expectations.  However, as a general rule, until your boyfriend has pointedly introduced you to his family over a significant meal which you all share together, keep your relationship with his family at arm’s length.  Until he is introducing you as a significant relationship in his life to other significant relationships in his life, don’t behave in any way which presumes.  You want to avoid your behavior presuming your relationship has progressed further than it has.  You might very well be quite significant to him.  However, introducing you to his family and starting to include you family functions and family observations has to do with the phase progression of your relationship. Two related but different things.

I’ll use the example of Mother’s Day because it is fresh in our minds even though it has already passed.  On Mother’s Day essentially you visit and honor the women in your life.  And you leave him the freedom in his schedule all day to honor and spend time with his mother, grandmother, aunt, and extended family mothers.  You two might get together in the evening at the end of the day.  Don’t in anyway be too pushing of yourself by sending a card or flowers over to his mother.  Sequentially, you need to be honored and presented to her first.  Even if you think it would be good manners.  Refrain from doing anything like that.  To send a card or flowers to her before he has made the major introduction and you run the risk of his feeling smothered by your actions.

Caveat:  Now of course, you all might already be acquainted.  Perhaps you live in a small town and have known each other socially for years.  Or you all might be members and attend the same church.  If that is the case, you could send a card.  However, keep it a light card.  Avoid gushing emotions or cards which overly assume that you will become her daughter-in-law until that is the case.

With Memorial Day Weekend, there are often family BBQ occasions around the United States.  While these are family events, they are frequently informal gatherings.  In which case, your boyfriend or girlfriend might invite you to include you.  And your role would be as their date.  Being included at such an event is not necessarily a major introduction to either family.  Just go and let your conversation and behavior be light until your boyfriend or girlfriend specifically tells you otherwise.

Father’s Day can be much the same as Mother’s Day.  You visit with your father, grandfather, uncle, cousins, the Dads in your life.  And allow your boyfriend to do likewise.  When you are the adult and it is your adult children whose schedules you must wrangle and you are the single dater now perhaps with someone significant in your life if you expect your children to include your significant other “Friend” in the activities of the day, start to say so early.  Don’t wait until the day before Father’s Day to say something.  More topics for another post in June.

Happy Dating and Relationships,

April Braswell

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April Braswell

April Braswell is internationally recognized as America's Midlife Dating and Relationship Mentor and the award winning expert columnist at DatingAdvice.com. Bringing over 40 years of Sales and Marketing expertise, April is a the trusted Small Business Consultant and Coach to Leading Executives and Emerging Leaders. Author of best seller, Get Swipe Right. April coaches marriage-minded men and women to find and attract love, your best life partner. Life Love Love relationship. Love after 40 and 50. Photos appear by licenses with iStock. All rights reserved.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. A unique topic….most of us may not even thought about this though it is not at all light to be neglected. Often we find surrounded by confusions whenever we meet our boyfriend or girlfriend’s family and start worrying about what approach to take? This article solves our problem to a great extent.

  2. Your dating advice is very sound. This is an area which seems to be a minefield for many couples, I think because of differing expectations.
    Sonya Lenzo

  5. You always give advice that people can trust. This is certainly a great way to handle things on Father’s Day and you gave equally sound advice for Mother’s Day. Where would all the singles of the world be without you? Where would all the single people with children be without you? Better yet, where would I be – without a job because they wouldn’t be getting any dates!!!! LOL Oh yeah, I still have my married with children clients!

    Lisa McLellan
    Babysitting Services, Nanny Services, and Nanny agencies

  6. Hmm, not something I’ve thought about before. Interesting that you positioned the article to be to the girlfriend side of the relationship. Guess that’s because it’s women who usually think about and buy cards. Great advice. Making assumptions about the relationship progression could cause problems.

    Peggy Larson

  7. I think introducing a girlfriend to your mother on a holiday would be way too much pressure. I know this from experience. Andrew spends the first half of Mother’s day with his mom and the rest of the day with me and my kids. Works out just fine for us.

    Sabrina Peterson, NASM CPT, CES
    Corrective Exercise for Every Body

  8. This is very good advice. I can see how someone might feel like it would be polite to send something to a boyfriend’s parent, but that could also cause pressure and misunderstanding with the guy. It seems like your advice also advocates talking about the situation – a simple question could solve all of the anxiety.

    Michelle

  11. April..I love the fact that you are saying not to press the family issue. I was a single father and when I was dating my wife she never mentioned meeting her…she just said I will when you are ready..I used to hate when women would force the issue…
    Go Hawks!
    http://successfulsalestools.com/?p=123

  12. It is always nice to meet family members in an unforced way. And the family members need to know how to treat the significant other, so they don’t screw up the relationship with unrealistic expectations.

    Seize the Day,
    Rob

  13. Just want to say what a great dating blog you got here, April!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work. You really give a ton of great dating tips!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian

  15. Great advice April. It can be a little “touchy” when dealing with the other’s family – not only for them, but also for their families…. they also want their family member to let them know that there is a potential new addition to the family circle – don’t you think so?

    Eileen

  16. More good advice.

    I hate to feel smothered by someone being pushy.

    usually when I hear them ask questions like “When am i am going to meet your family?” I know that she is ready to move the relationship along and it takes the guesswork out of it for me.

    However, when I lived really close to my family we had a lot of partieas and bbq’s. We were always a really open family from when I was a child and it was just “normal” for me to ask them to a family event.

    Maybe I was sending the wrong signal.

    But now that I think about it, family is really really importnat to me and I want someone who enjoys my family and also enjoys theirs.

    Michael

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