How Much of a Priority Is Getting Married to You?

April 6, 2010 / April Braswell / 31 Comments

Often the single-never-marrieds email me despondently, I can almost hear their exhaling sigh of desperation in not knowing, “April, what’s wrong with me?  I really want to get married, but it just isn’t happening.” First of all, please know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You are a perfectly wonderful human being.  Everyone is.  We are each unique and have wonderful admirable qualities.  Just as in the marvelously funny “Freak Show” episode of popular tv show, “Sex in the City” (SITC), each of us has our “Freak” moments over which we would later be embarrassed.  Those who love us know those are the exceptions and not the rule about us, thankfully.  And each of us has amazing gifts to give to each other, the world, and someone special for us to share our lives with in marriage.

However, do you mind if I ask you a question?  You say, “April, I want to get married.  Help me.” Seriously ask yourself and reflect upon the answer.  How much of a priority in your life is getting married?  There is a wonderfully telling quote from the wisdom of the Christian section of The Bible, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The point is, LOOK at what you are doing, and examine your actions.  Take a look at your calendar, your datebook, or if you are one of my EU European readers, your agenda, and tell me, how many hours a week are you devoting to specifically meeting new people, working on your self-improvement, and working on and practicing your relationship communication skills?  You know there are books, CD programs, workshops, seminars, and personal coaching on all of these topics?  Seriously, how much time per week?  If you are a single woman who hasn’t been on a great date for awhile, I hear, “Oh, um, 2 hours on Saturday.” And if you are a single man who’s not dating like he wants to, I hear, “Oh, April, it is really a priority for me.  I spend 30 minutes a week on it.”

2 hours

30 minutes

OK, the married folks who read my blog and website articles on Relationship Success and Marriage Revival tips to keep your marriage great, you’re laughing at that, right?  Don’t be mean.  The singles who have never been married just don’t know how much investment of time it takes to date and get married.  Nor do they realize that once married, it takes time and loving work, yes, on a daily basis to keep a great marriage to be lifelong love and great.

Go ahead and tell me here in your comments, if you are single, how much time per week do you devote to meeting new people and building your relationships skill set?  Because it is a skill set.  Just like with getting into physical fitness good shape takes effort, getting new and more knowledge, and practice, so do relationship skills. Hmm, I like the idea of developing to be an Olympic Relationship Athlete.

And if you are married, please do tell us, how much time per week do you make specific efforts to maintain your relationship, build the intimate rapport with your husband or wife, and connect with that person, really listening to them and asking them how you can be a help and support in their lives and their work?

Ponder those.

As always, please do feel free to ask your dating and relationship questions here at my blog.  Where we can manage a simple answer in a blog post, I’m happy to cover that either in my dating and relationship advice and tips blog or a more extensive articles.  Some topics of a personal nature for you can only be addressed and shifted in personal coaching sessions.  I care about you .  I care about the quality of people’s personal relationships.  Really, it’s the most important thing, isn’t it?

Happy Dating and Relationships,

April Braswell

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April Braswell

April Braswell is internationally recognized as America's Midlife Dating and Relationship Mentor and the award winning expert columnist at DatingAdvice.com. Bringing over 40 years of Sales and Marketing expertise, April is a the trusted Small Business Consultant and Coach to Leading Executives and Emerging Leaders. Author of best seller, Get Swipe Right. April coaches marriage-minded men and women to find and attract love, your best life partner. Life Love Love relationship. Love after 40 and 50. Photos appear by licenses with iStock. All rights reserved.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I like that you mention self improvement. It is rare to find that quality in anyone. If you find someone that spends more money on their own self improvement than the car that they drive, then you know there is something special about them.

    But on the other hand, if they only talk to their close friends about relationships, to me that is a warning sign that their is only going to be trouble down the road.

    Tim Van Milligan
    Make Money Gods Way

  2. Very good point. The happiest married couple I know read books together and discuss them and have been doing so for more than 20 years. Most of the books have been about how to keep a marriage vital.
    Sonya M Lenzo

  3. Ahhh…. you called us out. It is easy to say “I want to get married”. But when I think about it truly, I know that I am not quite ready for that. I want to be selfish a bit longer. =-) It is easy to bemoan being single, but you are right – it is rare that anyone does anything about it. This is true of everything in life (you mention fitness, which is a great example). Next time I open my mouth to complain, I will remember what you wrote, and shut up!

    Thanks,

    Michelle

  4. It’s true, if you are social and put yourself out there then you increase your chances of meeting someone. I met my now husband when deciding to take Tae Kwon Do…
    On the other hand, people need to be honest with themselves and their expectations. There is some one out there for everyone but I think we have to answer the hard question of are we being realistic in the mate we are seeking?

    Jen B
    The Harwood Group – Tinnitus, Chronic Illness, Fears, and Anxiety

  5. April,

    From the married side, it is a huge investment of time and emotion. Those single people don’t know how easy they have it.

    Bob

  8. I have a lot of friends that go through the what’s wrong with me. I can’t wait to share you site with them.

  9. This is a decision that each person needs to eveluate on their own.

    Like the decision to have or not have children, it shouldn’t be done because it is what everyone else is doing…

    Seize the Day,
    Rob

  10. April I would be on the single side of the fence. I like how you point out that social skills are just that “skills” that have to be developed. As it is now I usually go out 3 – 6 hours per week to meet people. Sometimes the adventures bring up a phone number or date but I dont know if I want to be married just yet.
    Scott Sylvan Bell
    http://scottbellconsultant.com
    Now go implement!

  11. My wife and I have two friends (women)… I mean we have a lot more friends than that, but for this example I’m going to talk about these two particular friends. One friend is a young woman, very sharp and very attractive working very hard on finishing up her PHD so she can get started on her career saving the world. She dedicates zero time for dating but she yearns to be married and have children. Another friend is 15 years older and a bit odd to tell the truth, who also wanted to be married. She decided to take matters into her own hands and went to singles activities, put herself in change of many of them and always had singles dinners, parties and get togethers at her own house. I have never seen someone so dedicated, all this while she was working. She finally found her man and he asked her to marry him.

    Where I live there is a whole cohort group of ex-pat women from various countries that left their homes to work and somewhere along the line forgot what they really wanted and suddenly 35 years passed them like they were standing still.

    I dated a girl and we were very serious when she made some comment like, “I’m not spending enough time with my room-mates and I feel bad.” I couldn’t believe my ears –WARNING! WARNING! RED ALERT! She didn’t want to break up but it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before we did. It was obvious that she “wasn’t that into me” and I needed to find someone that was. For women who want to get married… you’ve got to stop dating men who don’t want to get married. I know, it’s like rocket science but you have to do it. Sometime there are little subconscious (this means you are not aware of them) issues at play that are usually so easy to fix.

    Shane Kester

  12. Very interesting post, April.

    Relationship skills are important whether one is married, single or celibate. Naturally, for those who are married or want to get married there are different dimensions to the way they foster those relationships – but it is important for all of us to build good solid relationships with the people we spend our lives with.

    Eileen O’Neill

  13. Great post on the time spent on Dating.
    I have a date night every Friday night and my wife and I have been doing that for the past 36 years. Our 6 children knew that Friday night was mom and dads time. I know that the advice I was given to date my wife that long ago was the best advice I have gotten.
    My wife and I look forward to doing thing together we loved our children and of course still do but we feel like teenagers again without the resposibilies of the kids at home.
    Relationships always have bumps in them but they are a lot eaiser if you treat each other as best friends, work at it and spend time dating.
    I can see with the busy schedules we all have how people need to make it a priority, if they want to get married to invest time and work.

  14. April,

    I guess I’ve never understood the “I really need to get married” syndrome when someone isn’t even actively dating. I have a girlfriend who would fall deeper into her depression and have anxiety attacks if somene she was communicating with on a dating website didn’t ask her out!

    A big thing I’ve always done is put an emphasis on date night. Andrew and I love to go out dancing, to concerts, to the theater, etc. but if we don’t do those things (and heaven knows I don’t have time for that at the moment and neither does he) we’ll spend Saturday night watching a movie and eating pizza. And that’s good enough for me!

    Singles should definitely be out there on dates or simply meeting new people at least twice a week!

    Sabrina Peterson, NASM CPT, CES
    Fat Burning Home Workouts

  15. I spend every day working on my relationship/marriage. It’s not difficult.
    Men are simple creatures and women need to realize this before getting married. They need just the basics, Sex, Food, Respect, Space, Sex……you get it! A marriage is like a second job, so if you’re not willing to work at it, then don’t get married!

  17. People want instant dates instant marriage or instant relationship…I guess it stems from the microwave culture that we have developed over the years…everything must happen now..fame…riches..love…etc.
    Whatever happened to finding time dedicated to helping you get what you want….there are many good people out there…not all will fit in with you….BUT..there is one soulmate waiting for you……happy searching.:)

  18. nosce te ipsum.
    Know thyself.
    I give all my friends this advice if they are single or in a relationship. It is really hard to become intimate (long-term intimacy vs… well you know…) with someone if you don’t know what is important to you! I have been married over 10 years and my wife and I emailed each other questions, trivial to philosophical from comical to esoteric… I was drawn to her because she knew who she was and vice-versa. April, love quality and care you give in each of your post!

    Mark
    Direct Selling Advice, Tips, Skills & Techniques

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