Dating Coaching for After 40 and Over 50 Singles: Stretch Your Social Circle
Dating in Your Forties and Fifties: Expand Your Circle of Friends
As a Dating Coach for Women After 40 and 50+, I coach single Baby Boomers to make efforts to expand their social circle and weave new people into their lives regularly. To build on my Boomer Dating Advice and Tips blog post from yesterday, studies repeatedly have shown that many married couples do meet through people they mutually know.
Singles in Their Forties and Fifties Experience the Peril of Social Shrinkage:
Well, what about the other side of that phenomena? That our social circle shrinks after 30 when our scores of single friends are often moving off into pair bondings (now I’m talking like the academics! lol!) and getting married. Your social support group of single friends is shrinking.
Your Personal Tribes and Social Circles Are Different in Your 20s and 30s:
When we were in high school and college, we literally were meeting and mingling with hundreds of people each day and our lifestyle centered around social and study events where we would casually interact often with many of those new people. It was easy to form a personal tribe when you were grad school, university and college. But what’s happening to your social circle now?
But life after 30, after 40, and over 50+ and that is pretty much NOT how our lives are structured. Ergo, the single Boomer who wants a life partner/marriage partner (your choice) often must make a concerted effort to BE MEETING new people and actually weave them into our social lives.
As one who is definitely a Socializer in the temperament charts, I will recommend you want a few of me in your life. We are the natural hostesses. We both naturally already have a number of good acquaintances and are also naturally creating small social gatherings which bring those people together informally.
After 40 and Over 50 Singles Meet for a First Date: Parameters and Guidelines
When you go on initial dates, I recommend Drinks and Appetizers for a Date 0 (Online Dating First Face to Face meeting) or simply any first date to be low key AND adult, not just a race to Starbucks with all the Mums and toddlers (not very romantic). If you find that the two of you don’t really have any chemistry, if they are well-groomed and nice, just no chemistry, aim to weave them into your social life. Often the more mature single, those over 40, 45 and 50+, does not take it personally that there is no chemistry. And will often be open to being woven into your life as a social acquaintance.
What to Do If Your After 40 and Over 50 Prospective Mate was a First Date Fail? Is all hope lost, now? Or could you do something different?
I would recommend saying something towards the end of the 60-90 mins I recommend for the Date 0 or First Date timeframe. Something gracious and clear like, “Bob, I have so enjoyed meeting and talking with you. I can see we share a passion for Hockey, and here it is Stanley Cup season! I just didn’t feel we were a match [Notice: gracious and clear. Don’t mislead him thinking it is a curtousy. It’s not.] However, I’m having a group of friends over Thursday night to watch the NHL Playoffs. I’d love it if you would join us. Who knows, maybe you’ll be a fit with one of my other friends. What do you think?”
Be sure to get his email address and send an Evite to him where he can see there are several others being invited as well. Just treat this like it is normal and gracious, and it will be.
For the 20 and 30 somethings, I was recently interviewed by and featured in the Kansas City Star/Ink periodical on Speed Dating Success in Kansas City by journalist and editor, Pamela Spencer.
Happy Dating and Relationships,
April Braswell
Dating Expert and Relationship Coach
As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd Edition
April Braswell is an expert columnist at DatingAdvice.com and speaks to singles in Singles Groups and Church Singles Ministries as well as Divorce Support Groups. Looking to Book April to speak at your Singles Event?
Pam Schulz says
April 20, 2009 at 3:31 PMApril – I really like the way you framed this “no thank you.” What a gracious way to say it both direct and considerate. What a great reminder to weave new people like this into your social life. You never know…I’m reminded of the movie, “When Harry Met Sally.” It was the unintended “couple” that actually hit it off.
Great advice as usual!
Pam
Sonya Lenzo says
April 20, 2009 at 3:33 PMApril, I just got the Grief Recovery book today. It seems really good so far. Thanks for recommending it.
SunnyMarie
Christian Haller says
April 20, 2009 at 5:31 PMClearly having a natural hostess or connector is very effective and provides a sort of validation. Just remember that you don’t actually have to be doing anything to meet people – they are all around you and most like being approached, as long is it done correctly because their lifes could use some excitement as well.
Christian Haller
Don Shepherd says
April 20, 2009 at 6:13 PMwonder how that random hockey reference got thrown in there. a gracious no thank you will keep you from getting put in the penalty box 😉
Don Shepherd
Nikki says
April 20, 2009 at 8:00 PMHi April
I have been reading your posts for a while and find them really enlightening and so helpful. I also noted that there are a few aussie men who comment so maybe they can also way in and help me out, seeing as I am an aussie woman dating online…….I guess…….Anyway heres my story I have recently started corresponding with someone, emails and texts and thats as far as its gotten – although its a daily occurrence, I once suggested meeting up and he never ignored it, I told him if he wasnt interested no problem lets move on but again ignored it……he keeps texting me which is great……I thought maybe he just wanted to go real slow but I just found out he is going out on dates with people he has met – so whats up does he just want a texting buddy, is he not that into me – I am so so confused, why bother texting me at all…………..so odd
I feel maybe putting myself out there like you are saying to do just isnt the right thing for me, maybe I am destined to be alone and should just forget all about men! Thanks for your amazing advice Ive read so far………
Lisa McLellan says
April 20, 2009 at 8:05 PMYou are so great April. I could see you giving that gentle let down speech, but I couldn’t do it. I know you are right and it’s the right thing to do, but I can’t imagine saying it to someone. I remember (way back when) when I went to a party with a guy I was dating and he tried to fix me up with his friend. I was more than offended and angry. I know you are 100% right but I’d need lessons from you before I could get that phrase past my lips.
Lisa McLellan, Babysitting Classes – Babysitters, Nannies, and Au-pairs
jc mackenzie says
April 20, 2009 at 7:15 PMGreat ideas…. I think it would be better to be up front if the chemistry wasn’t there than any kind of leading on….which I would guess would only get tougher later.
Sound advice from a most gracious hostess.
Thanks
JC
Rob Northrup says
April 20, 2009 at 7:25 PMIt is so much harder to meet and get to know a group of people once you grow up. My group of friends from college (I graduated GaTech 24 years ago) is still my closest group of friends. Followed by a smaller group from High School, and a group from my first job.
College and jobs are in some ways like a war, and we make battlefield friendships for life. Not that being up studying for finals or coping with hangovers compares in intensity or sacrifice to being in a foxhole together, but it is similar effect for pampered college kids.
Seize the Day,
Rob
PS: Most of my friends got married in college, and most are still together. Most of the ones who married after college had a harder time, and have had more compatibility issues leading to more breakups. Not sure why.
Darryl Pace says
April 20, 2009 at 8:35 PMVery cool. I’ve never seen a “let ’em down easy” script. That was great. You certainly cover all aspects of dating.
Darryl Pace
Pat Becker says
April 20, 2009 at 9:19 PMYou make it all sound so very easy. I guess that’s why the radio shows are interviewing you for boomer dating advice and not me.
Pat
mark mallen says
April 20, 2009 at 9:20 PMApril, I like the honest upfront approach you have. No use prolonging a bad match. Mark
Duane Cunningham says
April 20, 2009 at 9:32 PMHi April,
You are the hostess with the most! And a superstar in this field 🙂
You hit it right on the button again in that after schooling social interaction is an awful lot harder as you just don’t interact with as many people on a daily basis
But awesome advice once more!
Duane
David Power says
April 21, 2009 at 1:11 AMApril your stuff is just great…I feel what I have learnt off your site has changed my life for good!!! Thank YOU
David Power
UK Hypnotist
Bob Kaufer says
April 21, 2009 at 3:27 AMBrought back chills and reminders of being in college and being let down easy or sometimes hard.
Bob Kaufer
John Ho says
April 21, 2009 at 5:40 AMApril,
Your “Something gracious and clear ” script approach is so diplomatic & caring.
I like it much.
As usual, yiur are THE best in this dating and relationship field.
John Ho
Jennifer Battaglino says
April 21, 2009 at 7:42 AMYou really are awesome. I like the way you could say no to Bob but also able to convey that it was simply about the match and not that something was wrong with him per say by inviting him to network in with your other friends.
You are a great resource
Jen
The Harwood Center – Tinnitus, Chronic Illness, Fers, Phobias, and Anxiety
Anthony Lemme says
April 21, 2009 at 7:22 AMHi April,
Excellent advice on being friendly with those you don’t have chemistry with. Never write somone off totally. They may have a friend that is a good match for you and if you remain friendly, they will speak well of you.
Anthony
Anthony Lemme says
April 21, 2009 at 7:33 AMDon’t think my last post got posted. I agree with being friends with the “no chemistry” person. You both my know matches for the other and if you are friendly you will both put a good word in.
Anthony
Philip Graves says
April 21, 2009 at 9:05 AMHaving an April-style socializer in your life must be a major asset!
Congratulations on the publicity too!
Philip Graves
Consumer Behaviour Expert