Obituaries, Grief, Death, and the Triumph of the Human Spirit
It is such a strange gift to have at such a young age, but I have had 6 major relationship deaths in the past 6.5 years. I was married at 36 and a widow at 37, having lost my husband after 13 months of marriage.
My mother then died 3 years ago.
My grandmother 2 years ago.
My father just this month.
(My FIL and my uncle also.)
My late husband died after my walking alongside him and his battle with cancer. The journey as well as the grief journey both left such strong imprints on me, that I knew I could not ultimately continue in the work I was doing. I knew I was already a leader and that people were watching me and my example.
Having emerged from the grief of losing my husband, I found that women younger than I, women with more youthfully perfect skin and figures weren’t self-confident. They had some belief in themselves. Just, they really doubted themselves. They were more full of their insecurities than their confidence.
I, on the other hand, I was very confident. They observed me and thought I was fantastic because I would take risks they were too afraid to do, simply lacked the self-confidence and belief in themselves to do or even to try. I simply knew who I was, and who I was not, so I was now incredibly self-confident.
There are a few things I recommend and embody because of this.
How to treat the greiving
Those who are most recently grieving, those who were the closest to the deceased, are going through a number of emotions, often all at once. Be kind, thoughtful, and gracious.
There are two relief valves for this – laughter and tears. Slap stick movies help with the laughter. Nothing terribly high brow sophisticated. Think as silly and goofy as possible. I cried so much when my husband died I actually started to crave salt.
1. Send a card.
Your mother, father, and grandmother taught you to do this. You thought nothing of it. You think of it as just a little nothing gesture, almost akin to the lost art of a handwritten thank-you note. However, you do not know how much it means to the grieving. We cling to it. We can hardly talk right after the death. Immediately after the death of my husband, I was catatonic. People from church sent cards of condolence. They started to arrive within a matter of days. I clung to them. These thoughtful little gestures of genuine caring meant THE WORLD to me.
I have heard that some people get angry with the card or note. That is ok. The card was just coat hanger for their anger. Indeed, anger and rage can be part of one’s grief process. Although, not necessarily for everyone. You have given them a gift to help them touch that emotion that maybe they had not given themselves permission yet to feel, thinking they are only supposed to be sad and cry.
My mother when she lost her first child after only a matter of months, she received condolence letters. Letters were more common at the time. She told me so softly years later what a thoughtful gesture they were from people. When we feel lost and reeling in our world of grief, they are like small life preservers from other dear ones reminding us of those who care and that there is still a world out there.
2. Phone Them, Briefly
People would phone me to reach out. I would blather on the phone for a few minutes and, of course, cry at some point. What a gift just to be able to talk a little bit about the deceased. The people who phone, most were so uncomfortable with my crying. What did you think I would be doing? Just LET the griever have their process. Keeping the conversation short is usually best. Let them talk a little and cry a little. Give them the space to grieve. Give them the gift of God’s ears. Be like God and just LISTEN to them. Murmur a few pleasant nothings. Tell them you care, and then end the conversation.
People often assume it is best to leave people alone with their grief. Even for the dear introverts, that is not necessarily the case. Because people don’t know what to do or say, or they are uncomfortable with another’s grief, they do nothing. They leave the griever alone to their grief. Right at the very time when they most need to know there are those who care and they are still connected to life. Do invite them to parties, dinners, and holiday parties. Years later, because my late husband passed around the holidays, people fell out of the habit of inviting me to holiday parties. It’s still weird to me.
Some of the time, they don’t WANT to talk. Yes, and I am extrovert, so if I say this, it is quite a statement. I am often so lowkey and inwardly focused reflective after a death that I do not WANT to talk, or really only for a few moments. It is an effort to converse. Still, reach out and just play it by being a bit spiritually led for how long to stay on. Just the gracious and thoughtful gesture can mean so much, however brief.
3. At the Memorial or Funeral Service
This can vary by culture and ethnic groups of origin. Some are more emotive and demonstrative. Others are more quiet in public about their grief. Please, neither is right. Neither is wrong. They are both just difference expressions of the grief. Just HONOR it.
If your culture is more demonstrative and another’s is quieter, please don’t assume they are unfeeling. Both some cultures and introverts, in general, are processing much internally.
So, when you are at a service that is more demonstrative, wonderful. Be sure you have plenty of Kleenex.
When you are where they are more subdued, please be careful with the bereaved and do not be too, too terribly gushing and huggy. To do so is to be IN the emotional state and triggers that for them just at a time when they may have only just managed to keep their unstoppable streaming tears and emotions within a degree of control.
Grief can be a very intimate thing. I did not want to share all of it with everyone in public. My world was already turned on its head. To do so would have been to lose all my sense of context and frame in the world. It might have stimulated excessive cognitive dissonance where I would have had no point of reference, no anchor, no plumb line.
Some people are still in a psychological denial phase and will say, “I just want to celebrate their lives!” One woman said this to me one and one at a choir practice months later, and when I snapped at her, the Worship leader spoke to me about the incident and not her, not understanding anything about grief. I was supposed to have been polite. I thought I had managed that beautifully when I didn’t light into her verbally and say what I really thought.
However, for her, that is totally beautiful and a valid place to be in. The loss event that had occurred was nothing personal for her. Still, when you juxtapose that with another bereaved who is in a scowling anger period (also, not everyone does. Some do.), keep them apart to avoid bouts of slapthology from the angry bereaved to the celebrating bereaved. It’s just thoughtful. Safer too!
Additionally, the bereaved IS totally caught up in the grief. At the service, a gentle way to shift them is to ask softly about beautiful memories, “I remember you always telling me how much he enjoyed walking in nature. Remember when he used to take you to the park and walk the dog in the evening?” This helps them to shift without TELLING them to shift or demanding them to shift just when what they are feeling is that they can’t talk to anyone.
4. Months later
Months later, at a Birthday, at Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Yom Kippur, Easter, Passover, at their wedding anniversary, New Years. These are all times which will re-trigger the pain of the loss. Just gently and thoughtfully reach out to them. Sometimes just a simple card, “Thinking of you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you are healing well…..” A short phone call.
Another older lady widow phoned me months later, God bless her. She reached out to me remembering that months later when the flowers and the cards stop, our sad feelings can still be there. We weren’t even close. She was just wonderfully thoughtful and considerate. Now, 17 years later, I could not tell you her name, but I remember her thoughtfulness and the gesture. Perhaps you will be led to reach out to another that way.
The grief cycle is not even what we once thought it was. Take a look at the books put out by the Grief Recovery Institute. But always, when there is a major family event, like my brother getting married this year, it touches the wound and reminds us of who was unable to make it to the wedding. See? Even a joyous occasion can come with sad feelings. And according to The Grief Recovery Institute, every new loss we experience reminds us of and touches on all the loss experiences we’ve had before.
God bless and God speed,
April Braswell
Wherever you are located, whether you are dealing with the grief loss from Divorce or death of a loved one, or even the death of a less than a loved one, you will want to start by reading The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith
It really is a godsend.
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