Why Wait on Sex?

Multiple reasons, not just multiple orgasms.

I am all for your feeling comfortable and confident with your body image, your sensuality and your inner vixen and let that energy just EMANATE from you. However, ladies, when you are interested in a relationship, then, YES, YOU MUST WAIT. Even in that wonderful classic Dating Advice book, The Rules, our authors required the marriage-minded modern women wait. To give and offer sex on the first date was to “spoil” men. I agree. I’ve even coached women that if they’re interested in a man and have sex right away, sure there are always those 3 in 100,000 people who are the exceptions, you communicate that you’re not taking him that seriously as husband material.  Or you would be vetting and checking out other character and behavior attributes than just physical chemistry.

Men do understand that intimacy with us has a price. The question on their dear minds is, “What is her price?” I don’t mean that crassly. I mean, do you just want casual intimacy but you are secretly HOPING this will turn into something more? Well, race into the bedroom early CAN be a deal killer. Some relationships have made it even WITH a quick consummation. However, if you wait, you do both of yourselves a favor. You allow the man to move from PHYSICAL ATTRACTION (bless their hearts, ladies, are YOU SUPER glad they are ATTRACTED to you? Yup! Me, too!) into exploring other levels of attraction – mental, partnership, friendship, spiritual. To race into the bedroom would be akin to Fast Food when what we all really crave is 4*** at Tour D’Argent!

The other reason is more complicated and scientific and you will also be embarrassed. Oxytocin. Ladies. We secrete the wonderful hormone oxytocin when we are physically intimate. Isn’t God’s design beautiful and marvelous? We secrete oxytocin when our babies are feeding. It is The Bonding Hormone. Women emotionally bond during intimacy. Men do NOT. This is why it is embarrassing. Even the best of us, the most well-educated, the smartest, the most beautiful, yup, whatever. We BOND during intimacy and then will obsess in some manner of the man. Man, he didn’t even have to be the best lover out there. We start to see him with rose-tinted glasses. We all too rapidly glaze over his fault and start to rationalize staying together with him longer when maybe we should have thrown that little fish BACK into the big pond right away. But we didn’t…. why? Oxytocin! If you’re daydreaming about a future with him and it’s been under a month or two of dating and relationship building, and you’ve had intimacy…. it’s OXYTOCIN. Yup. Embarrassing. Not quite Fatal Attraction bad, but, sigh, bad.

So, honor your heart and WAIT!

Another thing about Oxytocin. It doesn’t take full bore intimacy for it to be triggered. Has he kissed you and your knees have started to feel weak and those inner aches are aching? Yup. Oxytocin has started to secrete already. Our bodies are thinking, “Oh! He’s GREAT! I want to have his babies!” Yes, whether or not you want children or even CAN have children anymore. It’s what is going on inside of us, in our psyche. Eeek! So, what is the best way to combat this? Go on dates with OTHER men. Essentially, you confuse your psyche so we refrain from unduly attaching to any of them. With each man we date whom we like, our body will think with him, “Oh! He’s GREAT! I want to have his babies!” A number of psychology experts know that to FEEL better we must ACT better (Kevin Hogan, Influence Boot Camp, 2007) (Dr. Maxie Maulsby). So, to feel better about that last guy you had a date with? Do NOT stay home and contemplate him! Ladies, GET OUT! Go on OTHER dates! Do this to protect your feminine nature and your bonding quality. That way we refrain from bonding fully with a man who isn’t interested in a relationship.

Lastly, all the SEDUCTION methods that are out there right now for men who just want to jump into bed? Well, they recommend 10 hours for a full seduction. This takes approximately 3 dates. Ergo, The Rules from the 1990s (a classic!), which recommended we wait until the 3rd date for intimacy? Well, he could still just be a skilled pick-up artist and really just want casual intimacy and you’re misunderstanding what he is signaling for with you. WAIT. I generally recommend a 6-8 week wait to be sure of him. PUAs won’t wait around past 3 or 4 dates (so, if he stops calling after 3 or 4 dates, bless his heart, he was attracted to you, but he may have only wanted something casual). They have other targets who will give them casual intimacy. Let them move on!

Ways to communicate WAITING without overtly SAYING it.

Some men just won’t make the effort if you get on your high moral horse and blurt it out on the first date, “I WON’T share physical intimacy for 2 months!” Hey lady, I haven’t even tried kissing you yet!

One the first date: Kiss. Avoid open mouth passionate kissing. Cause LADIES, the fuse on the dynamite is SHORT! Once we are passionately KISSING, full bore intimacy is the next expectation. Avoid mis-communicating.

Second date: OK, open mouth, and probably passionate kissing. But avoid moving in the clinch. Keep it to the front seat of his car and at your front door. DON’T let him into your apartment yet. Once in, it is 2 feet from your living room coach to your bedroom. Really. It’s just easier that way.

Once second base is being rounded, you will probably need to say something. I often simply advise, “This is going a little fast for me. I don’t feel comfortable doing that with you yet.” This can buy you both probably another week or two before you will need to go into the full-fledged discussion for your wanting exclusivity, longevity, and continuity before becoming intimate. And just because he OFFERS you that does NOT mean you have to accept it right away. Sometimes he says something in the heat of the moment. Hormones can do that to a man. He doesn’t MEAN to be a cad. He just is when it’s the little head that’s doing the thinking, as John Haitt has sung to us satirically.