Part of my dating and relationship expertise is yes, I have been researching the topic for over 20 years, conduct field research, and I integrate scientific study to the advise and tips I provide. In addition to fun, zest, and a sense of humor. It’s part of my uniqueness as a coach. Yes, I integrate my Sales and Product Marketing executive background.
Studies of “Pair Bonding” as the academics like to call married couples have revealed some fascinating information about some of the traits of successful long term romantic relationships.
There is the initial chemistry which I mentioned the other day in my Dating and Relationship Behavior Contrast blog post. So much of that is a combination of psychology and pheromones. We need to be neither too close to the target’s family pheromone signature as to be TABOO. Additionally, we do need to have sufficient pheromone signature family similarity as to be attractive. Then we do feel that surge of attraction chemistry.
However, once in a relationship, whether in the Second Stage of Dating, Early Relationship Stage, when you have moved beyond Initial Attraction. Or for married or life partner couples as well. What is one of their essential needs?
To NOT Get Bored.
Oh not, most dreaded by so many in cultures in North America, European Union, and Australia.
Newness
We crave periodic introduction of elements of things which are NEW. They stimulate another section of our brain. We need some adrenaline surge or we feel bored and trapped. Yes, that craving can lead to marital infidelity, or it can lead to dating relationships breaking up.
However, to bring in elements of newness does not require bungee jumping levels of adrenaline. Walks on a stormy night can increase adrenaline and increase feelings of arousal, actually a touch of arousing fear, in a good way. And we will then associate and attach that to our partner.
Introducing a new entre at dinner periodically is necessary least we move into a food rut. However, couples actually require more newness than that. Yes, a new restaurant. Yes, a different vacation or weekend getaway destination. Perhaps some new hiking trails. Perhaps a Salsa Lesson and quick trip to RIO in Las Vegas. Or if you always go to Vegas, perhaps a ski trip to Tahoe next time. Read books. Share them with each other. Couples Communication Skills Workshops.
Even in these frugal times, you can introduce elements of newness into your couple. Picnics are free and so is hiking. Mix it up a bit.
Newness Frequency:
How often is necessary to introduce elements of newness into your couple?
Something significant at least once every 6 weeks. Maybe for you, every 4 weeks.
Small things can be introduced almost once every week or two. Food newnesses. Also, seasonal food changes.
We all need the stimulation. And when you do, you foster greater long term intimacy and continual growth in your couple and in each other. Making life and your relationship more intimately loving and fulfilling.
And isn’t that what we are all craving?
Happy Dating and Relationships!
Best Regards,
April Braswell
Duane Cunningham says
April 16, 2009 at 9:55 PMHi April,
That was a superb post!
I learnt tons of vital information to keep the fires burning in my very new relationship that is in that initial ‘attraction’ stage
You certainly are the expert in this dating field…you could be the female version of Neil Struass or David Deangelo aka Eben Pagen 🙂
Duane
April Braswell says
April 16, 2009 at 11:13 PMHi Duane,
thank you. Indeed, I am. Tee hee. And I’m prettier! They also came up from the Seduction Community and struggles segueing from that into relationship work. I love their work and find we have both great alignments and, naturally, some disagreements. Thank goodness for that or it would be… boring. Additionally, I come from the perspective of having been married and it ending because of death. Just, my being a young widow is part of my uniqueness in helping people to Let Go and Move Onto New Low. (YEs, there’s a book there. It’s in the works.)
sooooo, Attraction Stage huh. NICE!
I am SO not asking about it to be put out here online for all of the world potentially to see. Just, I am delighted for you.
Best Regards,
April Braswell
Steve Chambers says
April 16, 2009 at 10:47 PMNewness is very important to every relationship. doing the same old, same old simply gets monotonous after awhile and we need to take steps to reignite the spark of attraction.
Steve
mark mallen says
April 16, 2009 at 11:23 PMApril, If this works it was my browser. That was great advice on keeping it new. I also think routines that a couple enjoys together is important. What do I know. last month, I got divorced and broke up with my girlfriend within a one week span. (I was seperated for 18 months) Mark
Rob Northrup says
April 17, 2009 at 3:14 AMJust don’t pick a NEW restaurant that you know nothing about for a date. Many of them suck. At least go someplace that is recommended…
Seize the Day,
Rob
Bob Kaufer says
April 17, 2009 at 3:38 AMI find that doing something to get out of the routine really helps
Bob Kaufer
JJ Jalopy says
April 17, 2009 at 4:55 AMThis post is full of awesome advice.
I love your light-hearted, fun, compassionate and scientific approach to the art and science of dating and relationships.
Have you read David Deida’s stuff. His language is really hard work, but the message he preaches was quite eye-opening for me.
“Love through her into the belly of your yearing passion. Open her with the spear of your loins into the chasm of nothingnes…” etc etc…
If you can get past that nonsense then it’s quite useful, I think.
I enjoyed the book The Game too. It made me laugh a lot. That industry is absolutely massive now. They’re definitely an opening for more relationship-centred work within that community.
Great post!
JJ Jalopy
John Ho says
April 17, 2009 at 6:05 AMMoving into Relationship Coaching is more broad based than Dating Coach. Or may be your previous Dating Coach clients are now settle down into a relationship, so it’s natural for you to migrate into relationship arena to sell them the second glass :))
I can’t wait the day you’re internationally well known. You deserve it with your hard work & dedication to help others!
John Ho
Lynn Lane says
April 17, 2009 at 6:36 AMGreat advice again, like the idea of adding newness to link to the relationship.
Lynn Lane
Christian Haller says
April 17, 2009 at 7:01 AMExcellant post and thanks for the reference. The world needs a female version of Carlos Xuma/David DeAngleo. Looking forward to your book.
Christian Haller
Pam Schulz says
April 17, 2009 at 9:16 AMI like the idea of introducing something new every six weeks or so. That’s a really great goal to shoot for.
Thanks!
Pam
mark mallen says
April 17, 2009 at 9:34 AMApril, Excellent advice. It is so important to keep things fresh. I think it is also important to develop rituals which both people enjoy. But then, what do I know. A month ago I divorced and broke up with my girlfriend in the same week (I was separated for 18 months)
Mark
mark says
April 17, 2009 at 9:38 AMApril, Excellent advice. It is so important to keep things fresh. I think it is also important to develop rituals which both people enjoy. But then, what do I know. A month ago I divorced and broke up with my girlfriend in the same week (I was separated for 18 months)
Mark
mark says
April 17, 2009 at 9:40 AMApril, I figured out the problem. My posts only show up when I do not use my links. I will try one at a time to see if it is a specific link. Mark
Darryl Pace says
April 17, 2009 at 2:15 PMGreat advice, April! You are so correct — newness keeps things fresh and exiting. Doing something new every few weeks is an EXCELLENT idea. While it is easy to forget to perform kind, fun, new acts for and with our significant others, we have to remember that these acts keep our relationships in the “great” category; and besides, doing new things is fun! Thank you for the tips.
Darryl Pace
jc mackenzie says
April 17, 2009 at 5:30 PMWell said!! I hadn’t thought about it but it seems to me that if dug down deep enough, many relationship problems would have boredom as the root, if not most. So many “urgent” issues come into play.
Thanks
JC
jc mackenzie says
April 17, 2009 at 5:32 PMWELL SAID! It seems to me that many if not most relationship problems could have boredom at the root.
Thanks for the reminder.
JC
Sonya Lenzo says
April 17, 2009 at 6:18 PMSay! Heres a newness idea! Wear new jewelry every date! that will keep things interesting!
SunnyMarie
Anthony Lemme says
April 17, 2009 at 8:30 PMHi April,
variety is the spice of life. It is vital do fun and intersting things to keep the minds and bodies fresh and frisky!
Kind Regards,
Anthony
Pat Becker says
April 17, 2009 at 8:53 PMInteresting people keep their mind open to new experiences and ideas. I would think that would be the kind of person who would be most likely to have long-term success in an intimate relationship.
-Pat