3 Dating Don’ts for Singles Interracial Dating

3 Don’ts to Avoid When Interracial Dating for Love

Building on my post from the other day about how interracial dating has moved into the mainstream with the wonderful mix and variety of interracial marriages exemplified most recently by Khloe Kardashian’s celebrity wedding to Lamar Odom, many singles are branching out into interracial and cross-cultural dating.

What are some of the pitfalls of Interracial Dating to avoid?

1. Don’t Pretend You Know Everything About Your Partner’s Culture

Avoid trying to demonstrate how cool and knowledgeable you already are about knowing your partner’s culture.  In many ways, it doesn’t matter.  You can’t possibly know everything about their culture already.  You can tell your date about the time you lived in Japan for 2 years which leaves you with a good introduction to Japanese culture.  Alternately, just because she’s White doesn’t mean her ethnic background is everything you might expect via mainstream culture. Instead, assume the wonderful position of a being a diplomat and ambassador, asking your partner engaging questions about their life, their family, and what matters most to them.  Do listen to them with interest and let your connection develop. Tell them about your family. Just share with each other.

2. Don’t Move Too Quickly

When singles dating across cultural and racial lines, the need to move forward in your relationship slowly is almost greater than it is for “same” race and culture couples. Yes, the contrast in your race and culture may often create heightened chemistry between you two.  However, move forward slowly to investigate what each additional level of intimacy means to each of you.  Additionally, you want to take your time to connect on multiple levels, not just at the passion level, to create a more connected and bonded relationship.  To borrow from the Hindu tradition, you want to connect at multiple Chakra levels, Head, Throat, Heart, Abdoman, not just the the Passion Chakra level which would be only short-lived.

3.  Don’t Jump To Conclusions

One of the points I stress to couples dating and forming a relationship who are from different cultures, races, and ethnic backgrounds is that they often are misunderstanding each other.  Some of the women will rush to me, “April, you know when a man respects you he does…..”  Often my response to her is to suggest she discuss that expectation with her boyfriend.  Different behaviors have different cultural meanings.  What is considered polite interaction with others in one culture may be deemed as overtly sexual interest in others to another culture.  When you surface this and discuss it in your relationship, you create an opportunity to grow closer together as a couple and sometimes even share a gentle laugh together.

When you fling the information at each other in accusations, you put your partner on the defensive.  While your feelings and sensibilities might be wounded, in all likelihood your loved one did not say or do something with the overt intention to hurt you.   Practice your self-reflective skills, surface things, and discuss them.  Then request and negotiate for desired behavior.

By doing so, you’ll demonstrate with your actions, indeed, that you love each other, honor, cherish, and mutually respect. And you might need to accept that your partner will continue to behave like that, and that the social meaning to them is different than the behavior’s meaning to you. Requesting a behavior change shows respect and honoring the dignity of the other in the couple to be different than you and respects the right to choose their own behavior, not be your puppet.

As you avoid these 3 pitfall Don’ts  of Interracial Dating, you are well on your way to creating a lasting love relationship.

By the way, all 3 of these couples relationship skills are useful in all relationships to practice in getting to know your partner truly more deeply and intimately. There’s just an additional layer of complexity as well as potentially greater intimacy in couples with different religions, ethnicities and race.

Vive la difference!

Happy Dating and Relationships,

April Braswell