Another archtype of the singles guys single women meet and encounter at the online dating sites but less so at the internet personals ads sites is the Divorced Dad with an armor wall up. Ladies, you are less likely to encounter this guy at the more elite and premium dating sites which require a combination of a greater investment of money for site membership as well as a greater investment of time in crafting a well-developed and thoughtful online dating profile. If you need help doing that well and having your profile really reflect you, that’s where I can help you as a professional internet dating profile writer and consultant.
Picture a great guy, smiling, and attractive. But wait? What’s that in front of him? It looks like his children. They seem great, and by the time they are about 8 or 9 years old and starting to really develop their own personal social life, they are likely wiggling and wriggling trying to get out of his grasp. It’s like he has his hands on their shoulders, holding them in front of him like a brick wall, keeping you from getting in to him. This is not that great single dad who has the right hierarchy in place at home with him as the head and their father. He’s actually using his kids as an excuse for years, as a shield to protect his heart from ever getting hurt again. On the surface, this sounds great. Over a longer term vantage point, and you begin to see the problem.
His living for them actually puts an undo burden of pressure and expectation on his children.
This single divorced dad uses his children as an excuse to keep from getting into a serious relationship of any kind, and certainly from ever marrying again. The problem is, often initially, his “putting his kids first” sounds really good. But then we remember that that perpetually doing that is unhealthy. That’s why airlines tell us to put our own oxygen mask on first before we help another.
If you talk to him or go on a first or second date with him, you’ll hear him saying things like, “I don’t want to get serious until my kids are finished with college.” Or “until my kids are out of the house.” Were you to follow up with him years later, he’ll be saying, “not until my kids careers are established.” Or “Once my kids are married.” Then it would, “After my kids have children.” Which could then in a few years easily become, “Well, I have grandkids now and they need me.”
Ladies, if he brings up relationships in the first or second date and says anything about how really he doesn’t want one, then trust me here, believe him! Believe what he is saying to you.
Unfortunately, he may be really a great guy. But he is still stuck in his post-Divorce stage of self-protection and has completed his divorced grief work and healed his heart. The funny part is, and I hear this a lot from teens when I speak to Youth Groups about Dating and Relationships, his kids will often really wish he would get out and date more. Who do you think teens and pre-teens are learning about relationship, courting and dating from? Where are they going to learn about mate selection from? If you, their parents, aren’t modeling it for them somehow, then they only have their peers, books, celebrity gossip magazines, television, movies, and video games. And the message you’re sending them is that marriage relationships are somehow “bad.”
What are some of the red flags for single women to be on the look out for in his online dating profile to ward off Divorce Dad with Armor Wall? In his internet dating profile he’ll often devote significant space to talking about how much he loves his children, they live with him, and he loves being a dad. Subtly he has created his Dating Profile Brand not as a divorced man who is ready to date and is available for a relationship but instead his brand is “I’m a Father First.” Which means for you, there is no room for a romantic relationship. He might even use the phrase, “My kids will always come first.” And that means you, dear lady, never could.
Instead, look for guys are who are available. If he’s divorced and he really is open and looking for a long term relationship, then he will likely say something in his profile such as, “Divorced and ready to find the right woman now.” Of course, he’ll have to wrangle his kids and schedule for awhile, but that’s just part of modern life now, isn’t it? No problem. Because you’re still dating various men until you and Mr. Might Be choose and mutually negotiating commitment, exclusivity, and monogamy, right?
Watch out for the reg flags and keep an eye pealed for the good ones. Those are the ones worth your First Date time!
Happy Dating and Relationships,
April Braswell
Dating and Relationship Expert
As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd Edition
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Kevin Bettencourt says
June 16, 2011 at 5:45 PMApril, obviously as The Internet Dating Expert you know far more than I about finding a soul mate and getting a long term relationship started online. Now I think it’s great advice for women trying to see dating profile red tags. But I also think the gentleman you describe above may just need a dating profile writer or at the very least dating profile advice. He may just be going for the look of a family man that he thinks may be appealing. Perhaps he’s trying to appeal to a woman who’s finding a husband online.
Jeff Lewis says
June 16, 2011 at 7:55 PMA very nice well written source of information. I’m sure there are many ladies out there that will benefit from this. Also a few divorced dads that may have cause to look into themselves too. I’ve been happily married for 12 years now and sure hope I wont ever have to fall into this category.
Thanks!
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Sonya Lenzo says
June 17, 2011 at 2:41 PMApril,
I have met some winners and losers online and have been grateful over the years for your tips. Right now I am sitting at the kitchen table of my lovely hotel in Costa Rica looking at one the “winners” who is on the veranda making a list of everything I will need for my new apartment in Costa Rica….he is a good friend and I THINK I followed most of your rules about online dating when we met!
Sonya Lenzo
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June 17, 2011 at 8:32 PMApril, your site has expert dating advice by the boatload.
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Now go implement!
Michael D Walker says
June 18, 2011 at 11:58 AMExcellent post about steering clear of the guy who can only talk about his kids and nothing else. With your expert dating advice, April, are you planning to write an advice piece for divorced dad’s and how they can better present themselves–or is there a post you’ve doen in the past to point those guys too?
Good stuff!
Michael
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Dewayne Chriswell says
June 18, 2011 at 12:20 PMApril, reading the signals and listening to what people are trying to tell you is one of the most successful ways of finding out what a person really wants. Sometimes it’s too easy for me to see what I want to see instead of seeing what’s going on.
Thanks,
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Clare Delaney says
June 19, 2011 at 8:36 PMThanks for the inside information on internet dating profiles – great advice to ensure we avoid mistakes with some divorced dads!
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Connie-Make a Guy Like You Gal says
July 9, 2011 at 11:18 AMThanks for the tips April. I have dated several divorced men and you are right on about the kids.
John says
September 22, 2017 at 6:16 PMYou clearly have no dating experience and probably have either never had children, or you don’t love your children enough.
Let me break the news to you – there are plenty of guys who just want to stick it in your rear and don’t give a rats about their kids.
Don’t knock men who put their kids first because they are awesome. Guess what, there are lots more women out there who put kids first then men who do. And that’s the kind of woman who will win me over.
Go ahead and block my comment – this is intended for you anyway.