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Relationship Coaching – Long Term Marriage Relationship Success: Different in Brain Than Dating Chemistry

Relationship Coaching – Long Term Marriage Relationship Success: Different in Brain Than Dating Chemistry

Relationship Coaching Help – Long Term Marriage Relationship Success Is Different in Your Brain Than Dating Chemistry

Relationship Coaching Perspective – Long Term Marriage Relationship Success Is Different in the Brain Than Dating Attraction

Relationship Coaching – Long Term Marriage Relationship Success Chemistry Is Different in Brain Than Initial Dating Attraction Chemistry

midlife middle aged couples forties fifties loving happy smiling marriage, in love, dancing together, smiles

Happy Loving Couple

Intriguingly enough, in long term marriages, where there is long term Being In Love, there is another part of the brain which is involved and must be involved for LONG TERM SUCCESS.

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I do not have the brain section TERMINOLOGY in front of me.  I’ll be sure to provide that to the group in the future.

The Long Term Success Section for couples In Love for the long haul, this other part of the brain is different than the marvelous toe curling part of the brain happily receiving dopamine from the happy aroused pheromones.  As well as a different part of the brain which require NEWNESS least we become – The Worst – bored.

The Long Term Relationship Success part of the brain reads and requires…..


Indeed, it is that feeling which is the result of when we fight and struggle to communicate and when we WORK at our marriage and unite as singles into a committed relationship, that true intimacy is achieved.  We FEEL cherished, respected, received and loved.  We feel safe and secure.  This person knows my faults, helps me to continue to grow, AND still loves me.  In fact, having been THROUGH fights which became merely miscommunication resolved, our love DEEPENED.  We truly KNEW each other and LOVED each other.

Then love becomes a CHOICE not just a sentiment and whimsical feeling of the moment as it is in the ATTRACTION STAGE.   Then we choose to love each other, not just when we FELT like it.  And then LOVE becomes an action.  We LOVE each other.  We ACT in LOVING ways and behaviors.  Yes, of course, we are still imperfect.  Just there is that CALM, that PEACEFULNESS.  And it is there in Long Term Successful Marriage relationships.

That is where we can wear absolutely no makeup and he thinks we are utterly beautiful.  And we see a man who has courage and diligence.  Unlike all the “Real Housewives Of XYZ location” where they must ALWAYS each and every day look unbelievably perfect which is such a huge stress.  When the PEACEFUL CALM part kicks in, we can allow that full range of ourselves to show.


It is only ONE element.  The Long Term Successful Marriage relationships ALSO require we continue to feed CHEMISTRY.  Which we do with good grooming and behavior and dress which acquentuate the differences between the sexes.  The Long Term Successful Marriage relationship also needs injections periodically over a period of extended time of NEWNESS to keep thing vital like new oxygen to the blood stream.

When singles are dating, indeed, all three elements need to be considered:

Attraction – chemistry and passion

Newness – continual learning and stimulation for vitality

Peaceful Calm – true intimacy

When all three elements are present in a courtship, this just might become a wondeful marriage relationship.

Happy Dating and Relationships!

April Braswell

Dating Expert and Online Dating Coach

As seen in Dating for Dummies, 3rd Edition

April Braswell is an expert columnist at DatingAdvice.com and speaks to singles in Singles Groups and Church Singles Ministries as well as Divorce Support Groups.  Looking to Book April to speak at your Singles Event?

{ 26 comments… add one }
  • Darryl Pace April 18, 2009, 11:13 PM

    Thank you for the well-written blog on what is required for long term relationship success. Good list of the elements of relationships that singles need to look for and strive for.

    Health, Fitness — Darryl Pace
    Fitness Product Review

  • Sonya Lenzo April 18, 2009, 10:24 PM

    Do you think it is necessary for both parties to acknowledge and work at these 3 areas for a relationship to work/be successful?

  • Duane Cunningham April 19, 2009, 12:25 AM

    Hi April,

    That was a sensational description of something I always wanted to know about what was the success ingredients that gave my mum and dad such an amazing relationship! they had that Peaceful Clam as you described it that i always thought….hmm thats what i want to experience!

    Thanks for your truly expert advice!


  • John Ho April 19, 2009, 6:04 AM


    Good criteria for long term relationship!

    ime transition and change in social fabrics revolutionizes our expectation of long term relationships.

    Even at my parent’s generation, marriage is a life long commitment, divorce is uncommon NO MATTER how unhappy the relationship is. These days, most people wonder HOW long their marriage can last. Whether this is good or bad, it all depends on the person’s value systems.

    John Ho

  • Christian Haller April 19, 2009, 6:09 AM

    Aprill – Good advice. Realtionships take effort and choices. So many expect it to just happen on its own – as if.

    Christian Haller

  • Rob Northrup April 19, 2009, 7:59 AM

    Dixie and I are now at 23 years and counting and its never a dull moment. I certainly sympathize with my friends who have been through divorce. Esp when you are young, sometimes one or the other grows out of it.

    Kind of like buying shoes for a ten year old. They will be outgrowing them soon. Better to wait on the permanent shoes till the feet stop growing…

    Seize the Day,


  • Steve Chambers April 19, 2009, 8:21 AM

    Relationships are complicated and take work if they are going to last long term. Then again, the idea that a relationship has to last for a lifetime is a mythical construct that has no basis in biology or human nature.

    A better and more realistic goal is to find someone who makes us happy and helps us to grow. If we outgrow the relationship we can move on. It is better for both parties.


  • Bob Kaufer April 19, 2009, 8:25 AM

    I like the term peaceful calm.

    Thanks for the information.

    Bob Kaufer

  • JJ Jalopy April 19, 2009, 10:00 AM

    This is a really awesome description.

    I love the term peaceful calm. I love this idea. It’s beautiful.

    Thanks April.

    JJ Jalopy.

  • Lynn Lane April 19, 2009, 10:24 AM

    Peaceful Calm.
    That’s what Deborah my wife and I have. 25 years and counting.
    We met when we were kids. Kevin says she needs a metal.

    Lynn Lane

  • Yann Vernier April 19, 2009, 12:33 PM

    What an excellent post. I never thought there was so much to consider when it comes to dating – but it makes a lot of sense – atttraction, newness, peaceful calm. Great stuff. Thank yo
    All the best,

  • Pat Becker April 19, 2009, 1:00 PM

    I have friends and relatives who have been in very long-term relationships, coming up on the 50 year mark, if they haven’t already passed this anniversary. It is always to relaxing and refreshing to be around them, to enjoy the peace they’ve created in their relationship over the years.


  • Mitchell Rehaume April 19, 2009, 2:51 PM


    That was a pretty intensive post and well written. Thank you for all the wonderful information.


  • David Power April 19, 2009, 4:52 PM

    Love your stuff!!! as a hypnotherapist a lot of what you have said is what I would discuss in therapy


  • Don Shepherd April 19, 2009, 6:56 PM


    i agree with what you have to say about newness, and attraction and peacful calm. Great recipe for success.

    I think i left out some of the ingredients.

    Don Shepherd

  • Pam Schulz April 19, 2009, 7:03 PM

    I have always believed that love is best defined as an action – usually a self-sacrificing one made on behalf of someone else.


  • Lisa McLellan April 19, 2009, 8:06 PM

    In love for the long haul – these days this sounds like an impossible task or maybe just old fashioned. Isn’t the divorce rate like 50% or something crazy like that? come on April, show them how to bring the romance back!
    Lisa McLellan, Babysitting Classes – Babysitters, Nannies, and Au-pairs

  • Anthony Lemme April 20, 2009, 12:57 PM

    That is so true April. Love is a choice. People often don’t like to hear that, but once you get past all of the romantic idealism and the rush of “happy chemicals” you are with anthother human being who is perfect in their imperfection. That is when you make your choice and be yourself and accept the other as their self… or not.

    Kind regards,
    Anthony Lemme

  • Sandi April 18, 2010, 10:51 PM

    Hi April, your online dating tips are great

  • Elizabeth Hutchkinson October 7, 2010, 7:16 AM

    Hi April, this is an interesting read. I’d like to read more of these sort of relationship tip posts in the future. I thhank you for sharing your insights about coaching for building better relationships. Do keep it up!

  • Daniella S December 24, 2010, 6:00 AM

    I like how you apply science to this for marriage

  • Julie Stern February 23, 2011, 9:15 PM

    I like hearing that there is science behind love.

  • Kathy March 6, 2011, 10:47 AM

    Peaceful calm and happy together sounds like such a wonderful goal for love. I like it.

  • Mia Louise March 20, 2011, 11:17 AM

    Lifetime love sounds so appealing. What about all those stories of women who are supposed to like “bad boys” who treat them badly? It sounds like that must really just be BS then. That real life shows a different story.

  • Laura Dally March 20, 2011, 3:48 PM

    Hello, just wanted to let you kow how much of an interesting read this was. I don’t hear a lot about long term couples. I like it. April, I look forward to the next installment.

  • Bre Anne March 20, 2011, 10:00 PM

    Feeling secure in your love relationship sure would make me feel peaceful and calm long term. Beautiful idea, April.

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