Dating Advice and Tips for Boomers: Weave New People Into Your Social Life

by April Braswell on April 20, 2009

To build on my Boomer Dating Advice and Tips blog post from yesterday, studies repeatedly have shown that many married couples do meet through people they mutually know.

Well, what about the other side of that phenomena?  That our social circle shrinks after 30 when our scores of single friends are often moving off into pair bondings (now I’m talking like the academics! lol!) and getting married.  When we were in high school and college, we literally were meeting and mingling with hundreds of people each day and our lifestyle centered around social and study events where we would casually interact often with many of those new people.  But life after 30, 40, and 50+ and that is pretty much NOT how our lives are structured.  Ergo, the single Boomer who wants a life partner/marriage partner (your choice) often must make a concerted effort to BE MEETING new people and actually weave them into our social lives.

As one who is definitely a Socializer in the temperament charts, I will recommend you want a few of me in your life.  We are the natural hostesses.  We both naturally already have a number of good acquaintances and are also naturally creating small social gatherings which bring those people together informally.

When you go on initial dates, I recommend Drinks and Appetizers for a Date 0 (Online Dating First Face to Face meeting) or simply any first date to be low key AND adult, not just a race to Starbucks with all the Mums and toddlers (not very romantic).   If you find that the two of you don’t really have any chemistry, if they are well-groomed and nice, just no chemistry, aim to weave them into your social life.  Often the more mature single, those over 45 and 50 does not take it personally that there is no chemistry.  And will often be open to being woven into your life as a social acquaintance.
I would recommend saying something towards the end of the 60-90 mins I recommend for the Date 0 or First Date timeframe.  Something gracious and clear like, “Bob, I have so enjoyed meeting and talking with you.  I can see we share a passion for Hockey, and here it is Stanley Cup season!  I just didn’t feel we were a match [Notice: gracious and clear. Don't mislead him thinking it is a curtousy.  It's not.]  However, I’m having a group of friends over Thursday night to watch the NHL Playoffs.  I’d love it if you would join us.  Who knows, maybe you’ll be a fit with one of my other friends.  What do you think?”

Be sure to get his email address and send an Evite to him where he can see there are several others being invited as well.  Just treat this like it is normal and gracious, and it will be.

For the 20 and 30 somethings, I was recently interviewed by and featured in the Kansas City Star/Ink periodical on Speed Dating Success in Kansas City by journalist and editor, Pamela Spencer.

Happy Dating and Relationships,

April Braswell

Dating Expert and Relationship Coach

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Pam Schulz April 20, 2009 at 3:31 PM

April – I really like the way you framed this “no thank you.” What a gracious way to say it both direct and considerate. What a great reminder to weave new people like this into your social life. You never know…I’m reminded of the movie, “When Harry Met Sally.” It was the unintended “couple” that actually hit it off.

Great advice as usual!
Pam

Sonya Lenzo April 20, 2009 at 3:33 PM

April, I just got the Grief Recovery book today. It seems really good so far. Thanks for recommending it.
SunnyMarie

Christian Haller April 20, 2009 at 5:31 PM

Clearly having a natural hostess or connector is very effective and provides a sort of validation. Just remember that you don’t actually have to be doing anything to meet people – they are all around you and most like being approached, as long is it done correctly because their lifes could use some excitement as well.

Christian Haller

Don Shepherd April 20, 2009 at 6:13 PM

wonder how that random hockey reference got thrown in there. a gracious no thank you will keep you from getting put in the penalty box ;)

Don Shepherd

Nikki April 20, 2009 at 8:00 PM

Hi April

I have been reading your posts for a while and find them really enlightening and so helpful. I also noted that there are a few aussie men who comment so maybe they can also way in and help me out, seeing as I am an aussie woman dating online…….I guess…….Anyway heres my story I have recently started corresponding with someone, emails and texts and thats as far as its gotten – although its a daily occurrence, I once suggested meeting up and he never ignored it, I told him if he wasnt interested no problem lets move on but again ignored it……he keeps texting me which is great……I thought maybe he just wanted to go real slow but I just found out he is going out on dates with people he has met – so whats up does he just want a texting buddy, is he not that into me – I am so so confused, why bother texting me at all…………..so odd

I feel maybe putting myself out there like you are saying to do just isnt the right thing for me, maybe I am destined to be alone and should just forget all about men! Thanks for your amazing advice Ive read so far………

Lisa McLellan April 20, 2009 at 8:05 PM

You are so great April. I could see you giving that gentle let down speech, but I couldn’t do it. I know you are right and it’s the right thing to do, but I can’t imagine saying it to someone. I remember (way back when) when I went to a party with a guy I was dating and he tried to fix me up with his friend. I was more than offended and angry. I know you are 100% right but I’d need lessons from you before I could get that phrase past my lips.

Lisa McLellan, Babysitting Classes – Babysitters, Nannies, and Au-pairs

jc mackenzie April 20, 2009 at 7:15 PM

Great ideas…. I think it would be better to be up front if the chemistry wasn’t there than any kind of leading on….which I would guess would only get tougher later.

Sound advice from a most gracious hostess.

Thanks

JC

Rob Northrup April 20, 2009 at 7:25 PM

It is so much harder to meet and get to know a group of people once you grow up. My group of friends from college (I graduated GaTech 24 years ago) is still my closest group of friends. Followed by a smaller group from High School, and a group from my first job.

College and jobs are in some ways like a war, and we make battlefield friendships for life. Not that being up studying for finals or coping with hangovers compares in intensity or sacrifice to being in a foxhole together, but it is similar effect for pampered college kids.

Seize the Day,

Rob

PS: Most of my friends got married in college, and most are still together. Most of the ones who married after college had a harder time, and have had more compatibility issues leading to more breakups. Not sure why.

Steve Chambers April 20, 2009 at 8:35 PM

People should learn sales skills so they can sell themselves. Also, I usually know within the first 10 minutes if I need to stick a round for a few minutes more. That’s why coffee is the best first date.

Steve

Darryl Pace April 20, 2009 at 8:35 PM

Very cool. I’ve never seen a “let ‘em down easy” script. That was great. You certainly cover all aspects of dating.

Darryl Pace

Pat Becker April 20, 2009 at 9:19 PM

You make it all sound so very easy. I guess that’s why the radio shows are interviewing you for boomer dating advice and not me.

Pat

mark mallen April 20, 2009 at 9:20 PM

April, I like the honest upfront approach you have. No use prolonging a bad match. Mark

Duane Cunningham April 20, 2009 at 9:32 PM

Hi April,

You are the hostess with the most! And a superstar in this field :-)

You hit it right on the button again in that after schooling social interaction is an awful lot harder as you just don’t interact with as many people on a daily basis

But awesome advice once more!

Duane

David Power April 21, 2009 at 1:11 AM

April your stuff is just great…I feel what I have learnt off your site has changed my life for good!!! Thank YOU

David Power
UK Hypnotist

Bob Kaufer April 21, 2009 at 3:27 AM

Brought back chills and reminders of being in college and being let down easy or sometimes hard.

Bob Kaufer

John Ho April 21, 2009 at 5:40 AM

April,

Your “Something gracious and clear ” script approach is so diplomatic & caring.
I like it much.

As usual, yiur are THE best in this dating and relationship field.

John Ho

Jennifer Battaglino April 21, 2009 at 7:42 AM

You really are awesome. I like the way you could say no to Bob but also able to convey that it was simply about the match and not that something was wrong with him per say by inviting him to network in with your other friends.

You are a great resource
Jen

The Harwood Center – Tinnitus, Chronic Illness, Fers, Phobias, and Anxiety

Anthony Lemme April 21, 2009 at 7:22 AM

Hi April,
Excellent advice on being friendly with those you don’t have chemistry with. Never write somone off totally. They may have a friend that is a good match for you and if you remain friendly, they will speak well of you.

Anthony

Anthony Lemme April 21, 2009 at 7:33 AM

Don’t think my last post got posted. I agree with being friends with the “no chemistry” person. You both my know matches for the other and if you are friendly you will both put a good word in.

Anthony

Philip Graves April 21, 2009 at 9:05 AM

Having an April-style socializer in your life must be a major asset!

Congratulations on the publicity too!

Philip Graves
Consumer Behaviour Expert

Mitchell Rehaume April 21, 2009 at 9:44 AM

Hi April,

This is a great post. If a person is single and they are in there 30′s but are a very introverted person what would your recommendations be to build up there social circle for dating?

Mitch

JJ Jalopy April 21, 2009 at 9:49 AM

Hi April!

I’d love to meet a few of you!

Perhaps we could clone you. We’d solve the world’s dating problems in a flash!

JJ Jalopy.

April Braswell April 21, 2009 at 3:07 PM

Hi Nikki,

thank you so much for reading my dating and relationship blog. I do appreciate it. Also, I am so glad you commented. I always enjoy becoming acquainted with who is reading my articles and blog so I can better serve them. May I ask a slightly indelicate question? What is your age, please? As ladies, I know we often do not want to directly reveal our precise YEAR. If you feel more comfortable with it, perhaps indicated, 20 something 30 something, 40 something, Baby Boomer (45-60). Whatever you are comfortable with.

I cover some of the emailing guidelines in my forthcoming book. Until it is out, I will just give you a foretaste. This man, have you already met in person and that is how he has your phone number and email? Or has it only been as of yet “meeting” at an internet dating site and no face-to-face meeting?

Please reply here, and I’ll give you a more guided answer.

For now, stop communicating with him. He clearly is not actually asking you out on a date and is for whatever reason (it really doesn’t matter) a Time Waster. Focus your attention and time on others who actually man up and ask you out.

Best regards,

April

Nikki April 21, 2009 at 7:34 PM

Hi April

Thanks so much – your advice is much appreciated. I guess it was something that I knew but it always helps when someone else validates it especially an internet dating expert such as yourself!
I am in my thirties – few years till I get to the forties……..

No we have not met in person, just on the site initially and then through email and text messaging….I originally thought maybe he was just wanting to get to know me better and slow is fine but now I find it strange especially when I find out he is actually going out on dates with other women…..so in essence he is going out with them and yet still texting me daily….its odd and I am totally confused.

April Braswell May 2, 2009 at 12:17 AM

Hi Nikki,

I only just now saw your reply.

In general, for online dating, the man needs to segue to asking you out on a Date 0 first date within 5 emails. 3-4 is better.

If he is spending all this time “getting to know you” online, he has not actually yet made any effort to demonstrate his masculine protection and provision by taking you on a date.

Avoid the pre-date no-date of answering all their questions about you online that are really better done IN PERSON on a date.

On a foundational level, I recommend all my clients start with

Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life

If you are in the SouthWest region of the US, I put on seminars where we do that, and then are better equipped for attracting love and new love into our lives.

Sort of a letting go and then moving on work.

THank you for reading my blog!

Best regards,

April Braswell

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